goodbyemrblue (goodbyemrblue) wrote in angels_of_ana,

Hello ladies!

I'm new to this community :)

I haven't been on LJ in ages, and when I came back on today I couldn't find the ana community I posted to regularly, I think it was deleted..

I guess I should say a bit about me!

I'm Sam, I'm 18 and I've been battling with Ana and Mia since I was 13. I've been to so many therapists over the years after my mum found out about my bulimia. I've got in under a certain amount of control now, I used to purge up to 7 times a day, but now I purge only on occasion when I've binged badly, which hasn't been often lately. Thank God.

What started my obsession with my weight ? My parents. Even when I was 11, and weighed 40kgs (pretty skinny for my height at that time), my parents would call me fat. While I was in therapy my mom admitted she called me fat in order to try scare me stop me from becoming fat because my grandparents on my father's side are grossly overweight. Well, thanks mom. Every single day for the past 8 years, I've hated how I've looked. For the past 8 years, the happiest moments are when I step on a scale and see that I've lost weight. For the past 8 years, I go into a spiral of personal hell every time I gain weight. Really, thanks mom.

Even now, after they know how much I've struggled, and how mentally and physically sick I've become, they still give me "looks" when they think I'm eating too much. My father has even said in front of friends and boyfriends, "Sam, you're just too fat, you need to stop eating". He humiliates me every chance he gets. They both do.

I've gone through periods of drug use over the years, but never to the point where I became addicted and had to get my parents involved. The most weight I've ever lost was while I was going through a bad time and doing a lot of coke, I lost 30kgs (60lbs) and weighed under 45kgs (90lbs). My parents didn't even notice the bags under my eyes, or the fact that I'd shake uncontrollably every morning, all they paid attention to was how much weight I lost and how they were so happy they didn't have a fat daughter anymore.

I'm too embarrassed to post my weight, but I want to lose 20kgs (about 40lbs)

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this!
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