goodbyemrblue (goodbyemrblue) wrote in angels_of_ana,
goodbyemrblue
goodbyemrblue
angels_of_ana

Friends...

My first friend who I spoke a lot about dieting with was when I was 14. We were always trying diets and going to gym, but obviously it turned into competition. It became all we spoke about. We'd go out and she'd get a vodka and coke, and I'd one-up her by getting a straight vodka and glass of water. Things like that. We both developed EDs during that time. Eventually the strain of always competing broke our friendship. Neither of us admitted it was the reason, but I knew it and I'm sure she did too.

Now, I'm doing the same with my current best friend.

We usually go to gym together, but for the past two weeks she's been lacking - she hasn't come once. I'm not gonna lie - it makes me smile to think that I'll lose weight quicker than her. We went out for dinner the other night, and over her huge plate of full-fat chicken pasta with cheese she told me she's afraid that she's obsessing over her weight too much, that it's all she thinks about.

I was like bitch please, I'm sitting here with a salad and water (one-upped again hah) and I go to gym for an hour and a half every day no matter what and you sit there telling me that  you're the one obsessed with your weight?

I love her so, so much but I can't help having all these ugly thoughts about her. I hope she gets fat. I'm not gonna see her for 2 weeks and I want her to get back and see me and actually think I'm sick because I'm so skinny. I want her to be so jealous she cries.

I hate myself for thinking this way about her, but I just can't stop these thoughts :(

(Sorry about randomly bolded words - I thought I'd add a bit of emphasis here and there)
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic
  • 5 comments
bitch please! lol
I revert to ghetto-slang in times of crisis ahha :P
We all have bad thoughts sometimes, I don't think there's a single person out there who hasn't wished weight gain on a frenemy before. The thing that disturbs me personally is that your friend confided that she thinks she's falling into bad habits and you went straight to the competitiveness =/

I mean, I guess it speaks to the degree of your psychological eating disordered illness; but still, I can't help but feel really sad for your friend, as her attempt to open up to you went somewhat unheard.
I didn't even think of that.. :(
I guess a big part of me doesn't believe her. I don't know, maybe she was looking for attention or something.. How obsessed can you be with your weight if you never go to gym and eat fattening food (when no one's expecting you to or forcing you to)?
Wow, you really opened my eyes rexy_fever
I agree with you.. I know I've had days where I eat and eat and eat but still obsess.. Maybe it was her 'off day'. I just don't want to find out she's in the same boat as me, because (sick as it is) it'll drive my competitiveness way up :(

I've also lost a friend due to my issues, and sometimes my jealousy eats away at me so bad it takes a lot for me to not mess up the friendship :(