goodbyemrblue (goodbyemrblue) wrote in angels_of_ana,


My first friend who I spoke a lot about dieting with was when I was 14. We were always trying diets and going to gym, but obviously it turned into competition. It became all we spoke about. We'd go out and she'd get a vodka and coke, and I'd one-up her by getting a straight vodka and glass of water. Things like that. We both developed EDs during that time. Eventually the strain of always competing broke our friendship. Neither of us admitted it was the reason, but I knew it and I'm sure she did too.

Now, I'm doing the same with my current best friend.

We usually go to gym together, but for the past two weeks she's been lacking - she hasn't come once. I'm not gonna lie - it makes me smile to think that I'll lose weight quicker than her. We went out for dinner the other night, and over her huge plate of full-fat chicken pasta with cheese she told me she's afraid that she's obsessing over her weight too much, that it's all she thinks about.

I was like bitch please, I'm sitting here with a salad and water (one-upped again hah) and I go to gym for an hour and a half every day no matter what and you sit there telling me that  you're the one obsessed with your weight?

I love her so, so much but I can't help having all these ugly thoughts about her. I hope she gets fat. I'm not gonna see her for 2 weeks and I want her to get back and see me and actually think I'm sick because I'm so skinny. I want her to be so jealous she cries.

I hate myself for thinking this way about her, but I just can't stop these thoughts :(

(Sorry about randomly bolded words - I thought I'd add a bit of emphasis here and there)
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